One of the reasons l use Art with my counselling.

One of the reasons l use Art in my counselling work, is because of the way it seems to unlock people's fear of being scared of their "issues". By that l mean, for example if a person is a self harmer, making Art will let them say things they can't express or are too scared to admit to themselves or family members. Making Art for therapy reasons, remember you don't need to be good at atr or be an artist , it is the doing that is important NOT the end product. The image below, is of a client making felt..not necessarily to make anything! Just the process can be fun and calming, and that, sometimes is all that it produces on the day but will help later on in the day when they are alone or maybe another session all together!

Often by the time, say an anorexia client finds me, he/she is fed up of talking and being controlled by doctors, therapists and family members. I find that if l give them no time limits to complete the "art "and say they can choice what ever medium they wish...you can see them visibly relax and will sstart to make Art. I realised early on, that time restritcions often made them panic and so trying to let them think, they controlled their time and space (although in theory l do!), they actually started to open up and make Art.  They could make a journal or maybe a timetable that THEY would like to keep to, rather than been told to keep to.

One client, drew, painted and made clay images of clocks, one after the other for weeks until she felt she had gain control of her time again.
Journals are an amazing way to help you each day, to sort out your problems, thoughts, ask yourself questions and so on. They do not have to be pretty, neat or organised..they are for you. Yes, there is a journalling network out there and on the net, that makes beautiful journals and they are great but not necessarily right for what my clients need them for.
The image below, is one l took, to try and explain what a patient was feeling but couldn't explain, as she stuttered all the time and gave up before she could say what it was she felt . As soon as she saw it.."that's it..l feel as though l am not seeing the world as everyone else. I feel as if there is something between us, and l am not seening or being seen properly"!

Below, is an image one of my clients took with my camera, to help her to give up smoking. She had a copy in her hangbag, her purse, in the bathroom, in fact any where she had smoked in the past. She said this image reminded her, of the 3 packs a days, she used to smoke! and the money she had wasted!

I admit, Art isn't always the answer but it can be a great ice breaker. Adults often say they can't make Art and l find the reason they feel like that, was because of something they wdere told as children!  Maybe a primary teacher or later an Art teacher told them they would NEVER be any good at Art and more than likely in front of the whole class and/or on their school report! I know l was told the same and it really can stay with you for life. Anyone can make Art..there is no right or wrong way, it is a personal thing, no-one else needs to see it, if you don't want them to. You can destroy it as soon as you have finished it or you could keep it for a while or give it to your therapist for safe keeping. Making Art often enables you to see things more clearly or maybe is just away for you to start to relax and then be able to start to talk.
The image below is a piece of silkpainting, which is a medium a lot of my clients find, very calming and often do some just before a "talking" session.

At this moment, maybe l need to say what "Making" Art means. A few marks on a page, one colour drawn all over a page, moulding clay into a ball or even just cutting up a piece of paper and arranging on a page..is makingArt.

Another Art activity l sometimes use is called "An Image Board". There are several ways to use this board, one way is to put images on it of what you want from life, ( which is the usual way it is used), I also use it for my clients to see, what their issues actually are or what is stopping them from moving on. It  does NOT have to be tidy or cut or arranged perfectly. It is just another aid to helping you see your issues more clearly. Below is an example of one, which was made to remind the client, of what they would like to achieve in this life. I encourage my clients to spend maxium 15 mins at home or at my rooms, for collecting their images and then, when with me, spend max of 20 mins making this board. The reason being. l don't want the client to spend excessive time on it, because then they over think it and it doesn't work.

My Art Activities are nothing serious or difficult...just fun, as well as hopefully helping you to sort out some issues. For example, making a mask is easy and fun but can change how a person reacts to you and to themselves.

Adults, once they realise that it doesn't matter if they feel they are making a fool of themselves, soon relax and forget they are playing with sand or making models with clay. Sometimes, l discover they were never allowed to play as children and so as soon as they realise they are in a "safe" place, they relax and have fun, drawing, getting messy with paint, squeezing playdough or just doodling with wax crayons.
Children are totally different to work with as far as making Art is concerned. I remember once hearing this story. A child was staying with her grandmother for the afternoon and asked why she was staying there? Granny told her that her mother had gone to an Art Lesson. The child looked surprised and relied, "Why? has she forgotten how to draw then"? Children can not understand that you have to learn how to draw, they just 'draw"! Great isn't it?!

Children tell you a lot about how they feel by their paintings. But you have to remember sometimes they just "draw"! I learnt this very early on, in my long career of working with children. Once l was working as a Nursery Nurse, in a family centre and was asked to pay special attention to a 5yr old boy, who was having trouble with divorcing parents and there was a suspicion he may also be, being abused. So l was looking at the painting he was painting, a large house, then quickly he painted it over with black panit. "Oh! Peter (not his real name) are you feeling sad?".."No, it is night time and l turned all the lights out"! Taught me a very good lesson....never to assume anything!Ha!

The after effects of a serious illness...in this case..a suspected heart attack!

Hi...it has been ages since l wrote this blog. There was a big reason....my husband's  heart attack and       all that involved!. If someone had told me how knocked for six l would be over it, l don't think l would have believed them. Now don't get me wrong..l was scared, frighten, worried and that was how l expected to feel, it was the reactions later on that surprised me. I have decided to write this very personal piece because l hope it may help others.

I was scared to let him out of my sight, followed him around the flat, lay awake at night making sure he was asleep and not dead! I put my life on hold and waited..for what? I was scared he would die and then what would l do? and how would l manage? I was worried he might have a stroke like his dad had and how would l cope? Overnight my happy, lovely, fun-loving man had become old! I didn't know how to react. You feel you can't talk too much to your grown up children, because they have their lives and you don't a) want to worry them too much; and b) you don't want to sound like a moaning minnie! I don't have many close friends really, as l have moved around all my life, and so l often found myself talking to complete strangers about my worries!!!! It is normally me that listens to other people's troubles.
I found the simplest thing difficult to do, l couldn't concentrate on anything. I have depression, which l mostly keep under control but that went haywire too.
Sleep..not good at the best of times..very difficult! I wanted to be strong for Tony and the children but didn't know how to be..very strange situation for me, to find myself in. Tony slept a lot and when he was awake, was often bad tempered and frustrated. He had retired a few weeks before and this was NOT what he had expected.
Also, to make matters worse, we had problems with the NHS. We had to go to PALS (patients help line really l suppose) in the end to get to see anyone about presribed, remedial treatment for Tony. All VERY taxing and totally unacceptable in my view. To put so much stress on a Heart patient is just so wrong, in fact any seriously ill patient and their family!
Eventually things were sorted out and Tony started back on the road to recovery..there lies another problem for me! He wanted to ride his bike...NO WAY! How would l know where he was, if he need help? I seemed to have forgotten the use of the mobile phone etc! I wouldn't go out shopping in case he had an attack while l was out..wouldn't go and see people for coffee or start work again..in case he needed me!!!
I had to find a way round my fears and start to let Tony live and restart my life! Not easy. We are managing it now. We know that the sleeps Tony has every afternoon will not be forever and as he gets stronger through biking and walking, his moods will improve. The important thing l, as the viewer, have to learn is this. Tony is now funtioning well and he has to exercise...moderately...to get fit again. The problem is what does moderately mean to a man, who, was taught in the Army to work till you drop and then push through it? We are getting there but it is not easy fot the partner, wife, parent or children of someone who is very ill. You are not ill but their illness affects you greatly and in some ways more than the person who is ill!
The image below is Tony now..in the pub garden, enjoying a pint (shandy), rather than red wine, as it was so hot..and, as usual, on his iPhone!!

 lynda x

Easter Eggs, Religion and my beliefs!

Happy Easter to you all. I am not a Religious person but do consider myself a Spiritual individual. One of the reasons l enjoy Easter, apart from the plain chocolate Easter eggs!.... is the way it can bring families together.

Tony and I had a very enjoyable day today, as our eldest child, Jennifer came over for Sunday Lunch. My other child Andrew and his new wife Gemma, are travelling in South America for 3 months. Jenny brought with her a Green and Black's plain chocolate egg and a three ( yes l said 3!) different Green and Black plain chocolate bars. Yummy... but not really the reason for Easter l hear some people saying. This doesn't upset me but l can image it concerning some religious people. I know a lot of people who send Easter cards and go to church at Easter and are not at all religious normally. I suppose it is like Christmas, suddenly people go to Midnight Mass never showing any religious feeling at any other time of the year. Are they backing their chances of going to heaven when they die or is it something deeper? I often ask people why and l am quite often surprised in the replies l get. I remember last year having asked a mixed group of slightly drunk mid twenty year olds, why they were at Midnight Mass? Some of their answers were, " It sort of gives me a familar feeling and makes me feel better and not so far from home"( African student).." it makes me feel l will be ok for the next year"...." It feels right" ...."Well, it is what my parents did every year and so l just do it out of habit l suppose, but l do enjoy it"..."It is something to do to get Christmas started isn't it"..." I love the ceremony and granduar of it all" and the last one.." Well it makes me feel l have marked my card for the year, incase something happens to me !". Quite a mixture of answers and l was also quite interested, that not one of them went to church on Sunday as a norm. I remember the vicar saying, that he wished his Sunday Services were a quarter as full as this,  on a normal Sunday! At this point l have to admit, l was there because l love the theatrical aspect of a High Church ceremony, especially the incense and the chanting! I don't feel guilty just enjoy the situation for what it is..high drama!
Christmas Day to me, when l was young was Church, presents, lunch, the Queen's speech, games and family. When l was a teenager, l taught Sunday School and sang in the choir but as l grew older, l found my own voice and realised l no longer believed in a God that sat in a chair in the sky and watched everything l did. After my Father-in-law died in his mid 50's, life seemed so cruel. I began to look at religion and started to see that all the wars and most of the problems in the world were one why or another to do with religion. Ok... that is a bit simplified and l am not that simple, that l believe it is that uncomplicated. But for example, at first glance..Northern Ireland is Catholic against Protestant, Iraq war is Muslims against the unbelievers, Jews against Arabs in Israel and so on. Yes there is a deeper reason in each of these situations but religion is in there no matter which why you cut the cake. Another thing that l find so wrong with the The Catholic faith, is its stand on the use of condoms, this simple command means people are dying because of Aids, woman are having too many babies and living in poverty, all  because of this command from their churchl! The Pope, can tell men and woman what they can and can't do in their persnonal lives..he is not married, shouldn't have sex and has no children. What can he tell  people about life, when he lives in such rich surrounding and has all his need catered for? You only have to look at most Cathelic churches, there is always gold, amazing cloth and so on and a large proporation of the people, that go to church are POOR. When l spent time  in Guatemala, l was so upset to see all this money, that had been spent in their beautiful, richly painted and ornate churches and be surrounded  by so much povety at the same time, makes no sense to me at all. you have little money and yet you give to your church! Madness in my mind!
Of course, as a Counsellor, my thoughts and believes do not come into my work. I am there to help people with their issues , l am not sayng it is always easy but l try very hard to keep them out of my proffesional life. I treat many people of all faiths and persuations and think l am fair and honest in my behaviour. I have met a few Counsellors/Therapists that only treat Christian couples and l respect that decision. A few of my clients are gay and l remember once being asked by a Cathalic friend of mine, how l could treat these people as their lives were so agasinst every that god teaches? We had, l am ashamed to say a very heated discussion and she never spoke to me again. Shame.
In my line of work, l am often asked how l deal people who self harm and am l not tempted just to tell them to stop seeking to be the centre of attention? I am glad when people ask this because it means l can start to educate them these issues. Self harming is not only about cutting, burning, biting and so on but  body issues such as anorexia. The general public seem so uneducated on these subjects even though there is so much out there in the Media and the Internet! I wish that more doctors could spot these children/teenager/adults with self-harming earlier and send them to Counsellors, instead of saying in the younger person, "Oh they will grow out of it" and believe me l still hear this from parents all the time. The other problem is there isn't enough NHS counsellors to cope with all these adults and even less to deal with childreen and teenagers.

Anyway.....after my rant, l still hope you all enjoy your chocolate eggs and have seen some of your family or friends this weekend!xx

Divorce, with and without children!

I don't know if anyone read my last two entries but l want to add something else to the discusstion. I have always thought that you have to work at marriage and if you do, you are less lightly to end your marriage in a divorce. A friend of mine, read my blog and said that no matter how hard you try to mend some marriages, they can't be mended. I do agree with this, but l also think that a lot of couples don't try hard enough and  that divorce is just too easy. I personally think that a lot of couples go into their marriage with no thoughts about what being married means. To a lot of couples l have spoken to lately, it is the wedding that is all important and they have given no real thought to what marriage means other than they will be Mr and Mrs....from now on!. I don't want people to stay together if there is violence or mental abuse but on all other matters l feel more thought is needed . Romantic as it sounds, often just asking a couple the question "why did you get married in the first place?" often pulls couples up abruptly and starts them thinking rather than arguing for a moment!

During the first year, most couples go through a few months of honeymoon bliss, then the reality sets in and then the real marriage starts. If before the marriage, no thought was given to joint bank accounts, nights out with the mates/girlfriends, who does what in the house exactly now they are married...trouble starts! This is when the blindfolds come off and you have to start to be grown up, even if you are over 30! You would be amazed at how many couples have thought that their life will go on as before, even when children start to arrive!
One couple l helped had been married round about 5 months and had already started to have problems. ( I have permission from the couple to talk about this) They both worked in the city, earning good money but under a great deal of stress from these high powered jobs and were in their early 30"s. She had thought that they would start to try for children soon but her husband had other ideas. She felt her clock ticking, he suddenly felt tied down by the thought of children. Big rows, periods of no speaking and lots of tears and shouting. We talked about what they both "thought" they wanted from this marriage? This appeared to be the first time they had really sat down to talk about any of thiese issues.  Not only had they not really come to any conclusion about children before their marriage, neither had they decided on childcare. For example, could they afford to have children and the wife stay at home? Do we have to put the baby into full time childcare or part-time care? Should we have an nanny instead? If the wife stayed home, could they afford the mortgage or would they have to downsize and so on. Eventually, after many sessions of joint therapy, lots of talking and tears, they solved their issues, moved to a smaller house,  eventually had twins and went on to have a very happy marriage. This sounds like a fairy tale story but believe me, it took a lot of hard work, compromise by both partners, a trial seperate of 2 weeks and then they realised they loved each other enough to fight to make it work.  They also admitted that it was not until week 9, that they realised that things were beginning to make sense. The couple also admitted that when they first came to me, they thought that l would help them to have a good divorce!
Sometimes, no matter how l try, some couples are so unprepared for marriage l can't help them. One partner decides that all the changes, should be done by the other partner. I am in my late 50's and in my generation, it was always expected, that women do all the housework, look after the children and sometimes go to work too. I hear gasps from people reading this but that was normal, l promise. gradually all this changed..thankfully...and l was lucky to have a reconstructed man!  Unfortunetly there are still men who expect "their " women to do most of the "stuff' associated with the house. Before marriage they do their own stuff or their mother but the instant they are married, they stop! Housework is one of the biggest problems in marriage today, if the people who come to see me, are anything to go by!
Once this problems starts to rear its ugly head, other problems start to become an issue too. The funny thing is though, once this "easy" problem is solved, often marriages go on to be great.
When it comes to couples with children, then that is a different story. Life becomes more complicated and often quite nasty. If one partner has decided that they no longer want to be married, there will be a lot of individuals that are going to be very hurt and sometimes scared for life. There are some "good" divorces but very few that have no problems. When children are involved, things become even more complicated, no matter how you try to make it easier. People who are going through a divorce, are in pain, are angry and so many more emotions, that some times children get lost in the confusion. It is very important that children are given their chance to talk and say how they feel and this means, in my books, children as young as 3! They need to understand it is not their fault and that their parents still love them.
One family (again l have this families permission to talk about this family)  l was seeing had 4 children ranging fro 8 months to 14 years of age. Each age needed handling differently. I always try to arrange to see the children by themselves, so they are free to talk about anything that is troubling them. This way they don't feel guilty about talking about their parents! Often children will think it is their fault their parents are breaking up and unless you help them deal with all their issues,  it  can effect their future relationships.
These children had been coping with all the arguements and physical fights that their parents were having for 3 years before they came to see me. The baby had been a last ditch effort to mend the marriage, never a good idea in most cases. There was a lot of hard work to do, to help these children firstly realise they were not to blame and neither was the new baby! They also need help to overcome the fear they had after seeing their mother being hurt by their father and the fact mum just let him. The eldest child was a boy and he had started to join in and try and stop his father. Anyway, eventually the divorce went through but the therapy will carry on for years for all of them, in one way or another. The point l want to make about this divorce is this. If this couple had come to therapy 3 years ago, there would be no new baby bought into an already deteriorating marrage, the children would have been helped and taught coping stratagies and have had someone to talk too. The last thing would be the wife, many not have had 2 broken arms, a twice broken nose, many broken ribs, so many bruises l could count them and lastly, her children would not have seen such violence at close quarters. O.K it isn't a perfect world but if more people thought about their children more often in these situations, l am positive their would be a lot less adults (those children) in therapy because of their childhood.

Divorce and hard work!

After writing the other day, on shame and divorce, what should l read in my paper the next day? Yes, you are right, divorce and shame and why we are having so many? One of the comments that really shocked me, was when they started talking about a phenomenon, being calling "The Starter Marraige". What you ask, is a starter marraige? Well apparently Peacher's Geldof, Jordon and Cheryl Cole have all had one..in other words, a short lived marraige! The phase implies a fundimentally dismissive attitude to marriage.  They consider marraige is not something that you go into for the whole of your life because people are living longer, is one excuse l heard the other day!!
A while ago l read somewhere, that a lot of young people marry because they are looking for security and stability. It appears that many of these " children " come from divorced parents and maybe they are trying to show that they can make their marraiges work! Unfortunetly a lot of these couples have an unrealistic expectations of what marraige is and what it takes to actually make it work. The media has a lot to answer for in this aspect l think!
Take Jordon for example, she announced her seperation from husband Peter Andre, then she was with her a new man within weeks, left him, then got engaged to him, married him and declared she wanted more babies soon...all within a year of her original divcorce! When people see celebrity couples marry and divorce, it doesn't seem to be a big problem. l heard someone say it seems realitivly easy, divorce is a right of passage and to this persons mind, it held no stigma!
Another thing that worries me, is that these young people don't seem to take time to mourn their loss before they move on to pastures green. Sometime in the future, all this will come back to bite them, if they don't sort out their feelings before moving on!
l personally think that one of the problems maybe, that women have been told "They can have it all".  Scenario No.1......They get married, work, have children and maybe become "stay home mums" to look after the babiies, by choice. They start to feel they have lost their identity and their friends, who are still working, our rising in their companies, having fun and these woman feel they have been left behind. 
Scenario No.2...... The woman who works, has babies and then goes back to work. Maybe by choice maybe because she has to because they cannot manage without her money. This woman has to cope with housework, children, work and being a mum and a wife! "They can have it all" stikes again!
There is still alot to be learnt about marraige and l think that unless we start talking to our young generation, about how hard marraige can be is in all honesty, we will keep on having marraiges that last only a few months to a year.  Marraige is not a fairy tale, like Jordon's wedding day was, it is a combination of love, trust, talking, fun, hard work and give and take! Yes it can be hard work but anything that is worth having, is worth working for!..or so my grandmother used to tell me. My grandparents were married for over 60 years, my parents are coming up to 60 and l have been married over 37 years. None of us have had heart-ache free marraiges but you work through it, pick yourself up and try again. Always try and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place! And take it from one who knows...you can fall back in love with your husband/wife, if you really want to save your marraige and carry on being a couplex

Divorce and Shame?

I was reading an article the other day, about marriage/partnership breakdowns and how there is no shame attached to divorce these days. This got my little grey cells working and l began to think about why that should be or is it even true?  The following notes are really my rambling thoughts on marriage, divorce and shame. I realise that every situation is different but here goes...
It so happens, recently I had asked one of my client, if she felt ashamed that her marriage had failed? She looked quite surprised, was quiet for a while and then answered, "No, why should l feel ashamed,  l feel quite proud that l have been able to leave a marraige that was not working and free myself". I then asked her, who she had told about her divorce and how did she tell it? After a lot of discussion, she finally realised, she was ashamed her marraige had failed but wanted people to know it was not her fault. She is constantly putting her ex down and always explaining to family, friends and even the newspaper agent, that she tried but it was his fault it failed, not hers.
I think that a person has to face their shame, deal with it and then you can move on. If you stay ashamed that your relationship failed for what ever reason, you will find it very hard to move on and have other relationships. Shame is part of a divorce, facing that shame and dealing with it, is important and needs to be bought out into the open between the couple and dealt with. Saying you have or have never had any shame, means that there are problems you have swept under the carpet and are not dealing with.
In times past, the external pressures came from the family, the church and the community. In certain communities this is still the case. Divorce means defective in many people's vocabulary.  In many ethnic communities,  divorce is seen as a failure, bringing shame on the family and often the parents will try and keep it a secret. In Muslim families, often the girl/woman will have no where to go because both families will treat her as an outcast.
In less than a century, marriages that ended in divorce have gone from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 3 ( Yeo and Lovell 2004) I think that the breakdown of marriages/partnerships are due to many factors.
Young people these days, seem to have a much higher expectations of what marraige should be like. I personally think the media has a lot to answer for.
The fact that people are living longer has a lot to do with it too. People cannot imagine being with the same person for 50 years or more!
There is a greater equality between men and woman and l think this has caused more friction between the sexes. "Men or men and woman want to be both".... l once heard from a very angry judge!!
Women are more independant and have the ability to earn their own money because they can work out side the home, if they want to or circumstances force them to have to. The fact that there is childcare more freely available to women is another factor.
Also the introduction in 1949 of the Legal Aid Act meant that poorer families had access to the law to enable them to think about divorce and for it to be within their grasp.
Lastly, l am back to shame again. I think there is less shame in getting divorced because of the decline of religious beliefs and family and friends are not so hostile and so therefore neither is society on the whole.
Is this a good thing? yes and no!
Yes because people who are in a violent or abusive relationship can get out and receive help without the stigma of a failed marraige hanging round their neck.
No because l personally think divorce is too easy and people don't try hard enough to try and work together to put the marraige back on track. I am not saying it is easy but from personal experience l am saying it can happen. You can fall back in love with your other half, if you both want to and are prepared to work at it. Try and remember why you married in the first place. Tony and l have had are ups and downs but we have been married 37 years and are still very much in love. It is worth fighting for l promise.

Not sure l have all the answers but l think l have some of them and that is enough to work on!
Night folksx

Heart attack, fear and asking for help.

Sorry l haven't posted lately but there has been a lot going on in my life! My son need help moving up to Rutland from London..that was some journey and all sorts of things happened. Go to http://chocolatelifeandjazz.blogspot.com  
 to see all the adventures! Then my gorgeous, sexy, wonderful, funny and special husband had a heart attack and my world came to a stop.

Luckily he is ok and waiting for his heart to be settled enough, so he can have his heart shocked back into the correct rhyme again! So my life was turned upside down and l have had to re-think my life. Hopefully, when Tony is ok again, we can go back to be happily enjoying his retirement and exploring our new life together.

One of the things that l have learnt from this eposide, is you have to remember we only have one life on this earth...so go for it while you have the chance people.
Something else l discovered, although my husband was ill, he was more worried about how l was and would cope if anything happened to him. I was totally lost, l just couldn't come to terms with the thought, he may not be here next day!  My world was totally out of control and l was so surprised, as l thought l was tough! I have had to learn not to try and control my husband's life. He has had to learn his own limitations and l am there to support him, if he needed help. Most importantly, not to let him know how scare l was, just try and be my usual positive self!
This next image, is of Tony and l when we went up to Rutland, to see our son's house and check it is ok, while they are away travelling. It was our first trip since Tony became ill. I drove and we did non of our usual walks or investigating new places. We read books, watched tv and just relaxed. This image shows us snuggled up not because it was us being romantic..but because we were cold!Ha. Our son's house was so cold but we had fun!Ha! I was scared he was doing too much, but l had to trust himx

If anyone else is going through similar situation, do not be afraid or too proud to ask for help, from families, friends or proffesional help. Also if you need to talk..l am here.
One thing that help, as it usually does was my art and my journalling. If you have not tried art journalling, do..it is an amazing tool.