The after effects of a serious illness...in this case..a suspected heart attack!

Hi...it has been ages since l wrote this blog. There was a big reason....my husband's  heart attack and       all that involved!. If someone had told me how knocked for six l would be over it, l don't think l would have believed them. Now don't get me wrong..l was scared, frighten, worried and that was how l expected to feel, it was the reactions later on that surprised me. I have decided to write this very personal piece because l hope it may help others.

I was scared to let him out of my sight, followed him around the flat, lay awake at night making sure he was asleep and not dead! I put my life on hold and waited..for what? I was scared he would die and then what would l do? and how would l manage? I was worried he might have a stroke like his dad had and how would l cope? Overnight my happy, lovely, fun-loving man had become old! I didn't know how to react. You feel you can't talk too much to your grown up children, because they have their lives and you don't a) want to worry them too much; and b) you don't want to sound like a moaning minnie! I don't have many close friends really, as l have moved around all my life, and so l often found myself talking to complete strangers about my worries!!!! It is normally me that listens to other people's troubles.
I found the simplest thing difficult to do, l couldn't concentrate on anything. I have depression, which l mostly keep under control but that went haywire too.
Sleep..not good at the best of times..very difficult! I wanted to be strong for Tony and the children but didn't know how to be..very strange situation for me, to find myself in. Tony slept a lot and when he was awake, was often bad tempered and frustrated. He had retired a few weeks before and this was NOT what he had expected.
Also, to make matters worse, we had problems with the NHS. We had to go to PALS (patients help line really l suppose) in the end to get to see anyone about presribed, remedial treatment for Tony. All VERY taxing and totally unacceptable in my view. To put so much stress on a Heart patient is just so wrong, in fact any seriously ill patient and their family!
Eventually things were sorted out and Tony started back on the road to recovery..there lies another problem for me! He wanted to ride his bike...NO WAY! How would l know where he was, if he need help? I seemed to have forgotten the use of the mobile phone etc! I wouldn't go out shopping in case he had an attack while l was out..wouldn't go and see people for coffee or start work again..in case he needed me!!!
I had to find a way round my fears and start to let Tony live and restart my life! Not easy. We are managing it now. We know that the sleeps Tony has every afternoon will not be forever and as he gets stronger through biking and walking, his moods will improve. The important thing l, as the viewer, have to learn is this. Tony is now funtioning well and he has to exercise...moderately...to get fit again. The problem is what does moderately mean to a man, who, was taught in the Army to work till you drop and then push through it? We are getting there but it is not easy fot the partner, wife, parent or children of someone who is very ill. You are not ill but their illness affects you greatly and in some ways more than the person who is ill!
The image below is Tony now..in the pub garden, enjoying a pint (shandy), rather than red wine, as it was so hot..and, as usual, on his iPhone!!

 lynda x