There has been a lot of talk in the papers lately about the damage some Relate counsellors have been seen to do to couple who come for help. One person wrote that their Relate Counsellor seemed to take sides and caused more problems to their already crumbling marriage. Another said their counsellor just seemed so pessimistic, that they both ended up wishing they hadn't come, because now they couldn't see anyway to make things better. I must admit that l have heard a lot more unhappy stories about Relate than good ones. Personally l think people don't go to Relate early enough, they should go well before they have decided they need to seperate. To get help that actually works, l think you need to still be able to talk and listen to each other and be open to advise and suggestions. People often go to relate to help them sort out how to deal with the children and dividing up the home, rather than how to make the situation better, so divorce doesn't happen.
The Relate people are offering a good service and are genuinely there to help couples and families. Another problem could be, that these days, in a lot of places there are waiting lists because so many people require their services. This doesn't help as you can imagine. When you are in trouble and distressed, you need instant help and being told there is say a 10 week wait, can be very upsetting. You have made a big decision and then you have to wait. By 10 weeks your marraige could be beyond repair.
I am not saying seeing a Counsellor is any better but often we are able to see the wider story which involves the whole family. In my case, as well as a counsellor (also trainned in Marraige Guidance), l am also a qualified Nursery Nurse. This means, l am also very aware of the children's feelings where divorce or sepersation occurs. Also using Art, drama and or play therapy with the parents and the children often works better than just talking. Depending how far the problems have progressed, talking sometimes just isnt enough. Especially with children, when most of them feel they must have done something to have made all this happen in the first place... which we all know is certainly not the case.
I also feel, even if the parents have sessions with a Relate or other form of Marraige Counsellor, the children and the family may also need help from a counsellor to deal with the family as a whole.
When l got married in 1972, the thought of divorce never entered our heads, recently the couples l know in and out of therapy, talk about divorce and how long they think they may stay together as a matter of course. To me this is the wrong way round to think of marraige. i think that couples need to talk more before they move in together or marry. For instance one couple l met the other day, are about to be married in 5 months time. I asked them five simple questions.
1. Do or are you going to have a joint bank account?
2. Who is going to do the bills?
3.When and if do you want children?
4. Who is going to do the housework?
5. Is your wife going to carry on working if you have children or will you share?
They had not thought of any of this before l asked. It caused a huge row...they are coming to see me again next week!!!! They were just thinking about being together, none of the things that mean you can be together happily!
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