BODY ISSUES AND OUR CHILDREN!

I read the papers every day, partly because l have a need to know what is going on in my world but also to keep up to-date with the counselling world. The big issue that is worrying me lately is how girls and boys seem to be are worrying about their weight  constently. l have been trying to turn childrens minds around from always thinking about diets to...just healthy eating. I have very slim young girls of 11 who are becoming scared to eat because then they will become fat and they will loose all their friends. L could cry sometimes when l see the frightened expressions on their faces when they tell me they are frightened of food because it will make them fat.
What has happened to our children? They are no longer allowed to grow up slowly and enjoy their childhood.. My children, a boy and a girl are in their early thirties and when they were young, you often heard the words "puppy fat" mentioned. For those of you who do not know the meaning of these words l will explain. Around the age of l suppose 8 to about 12 years of age, society expected children to put on a little weight. We called it "puppy fat" and it usually meant you were about to have a growth spurt in height. Also because children had loads of games at schoola and played outside more..it soon went in most children. We...as parents...kept a close eye on our children but never really made a fuss of it because it was known as a "phase" children went through. Admittdly some children kept eating all the wrong things and the "puppy fat" sort of stayed put!!
These days everyone,well most people, have scales in their houses and to my amazement seem to use them more than once a week. l have been asking loads of people about their weighing habits and am surprised to find that over 50% of these(l asked 60 people..men and women) use their scales at least 3 to 4 times a week! I was always taught that if you have to weigh yourself, do it once a week at the same time.  I was finding people that weight themselves everyday and some twice! When did we become so weight conscious?  I suppose, with all the TV and radio and mags coverage of what we look like..l shouldnt be surprised. I counted on the TV last night 12 programmes to do with what we look like clothed and naked, what we eat and fashion items on the size 0 debate! I want to say "Get A Life" but l realise that this is a very serious topic and we really need to change the way we deal with it. When a 4 year old asked me last week, "Lynda do l look nice it this, does it make my bottom look big?" and she was not joking..l decided l had a huge battle on my hands! O.K she has more than likely heard her mum say it but the fact that her mum tells me they talk about it endlessly round the dinner table as a serious topic....l really am worried. What ever happened to what we did at school today or l need a new pencilor art or penny has a new sister or l hate billy because he pulled my pigtails? Safe, simple childlike questions or even where do babies come from mummy BUT..does my bottom look big in this or if l eat that sandwich mummy l will get too fat..when you are 3 or 4 years old!!
Honestly l am not an old fashioned woman, l love challenging questions from children but ones that are so serious about their weight and the fear that goes with it..frighten me about what we are doing to our children. When an 8 year old female client of mine, who has started to worry about getting fat, was asked to describe how she saw a size 10 model in a magazine to me. Proceeded to tell me the woman was too fat because you couldn't see her bones very well...l reaslised we have a long way to go to re-educate our children on what is an exceptable body image.
Body Issues is a very difficult subject but one l think we really need to sort out in our minds. I have to admit l was quite happy with my body until after having my children..the dreaded tummy problem! I have also always had a large bust and have had problems learning to live with it. Do you know how at the age of 45 l learnt to deal better with my large bust? so silly but so simple. I was always told l was a 48c!!no comments please!! then one day my husband took me for a proper bra fitting.WELL..my world changed in 3 mins, l kid you not! l am apprently a 34GG (small back..large cup!) and suddenly l felt SO much smaller and thinner. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing!Ha!
I do understand how people have problems with their size, when l was ill and put on steroids l went up to a size 20!!! from a size 12, in 3 months. l eventually managed to get down to a size 14/16 but it took me at least 5 years to except l was smaller and could try on smaller cloths. Now at the age of 56..well for a further 4 days and a bit..l finally " fit my skin".
"FAT SCREWS WITH YOUR BRAIN"...... saw this slogen written in red paint on a wall in London...so true!
Below is a photograph my husband took earlier this year.A few years ago l would never have let my image be taken! A little like the tribes that think if you take their picture..you take their soul. Admitterdly l wasn't that bad but l felt l was not fit to be seen and was very uncomfotable looking at my own image. Now l know l am no raving beauty and certainly not a size 0 but l am proud of myself these days..and thats a plus!

a saying.......

"Creative people are curious, flexible, persistent and independent with a tremendous spirit of adventure and a love of play." - Henri Matisse (1869-1954)

give children space and time to be themselves!

today l saw a mum yell at her two and a half year oldish little girl because she wouldn't sit still in the coffee shop. OK l hear you say ..children should behave themselves when out.I agree but when you have been in the coffee shop for at least an hour... is it still fair to expect her to sit there quietly while mum talks to her friend and has her coffee? I think not! Children get bored and the best place for them is playing at home or outside. OK if you want to see your friends meet at home, in the park or some where they can play. Children need to be noisy sometimes, run and play..coffee houses are NOT the place for children unless it is for say 20 minutes or so!

Parents and nannies may think l am being unfair but it really is not fair to expect children and toddlers to be quiet in a "grown up" area! Our children are not accessories ...they deserve to have proper play times, time to children and be free!

I don't suppose many, if anyone will read these articles but l feel l have to write them..just in case someone reads them and it helps...then it would all be worth it!

Today l met a lady who is addicted to Facebook and twitter and didnt realise she was until something dramatic happened this morning. She can not bear to not know what is going on with her friends and her contacts. She goes on to her computor for 2 hours before she goes to work at 8.30...she is on her i phone on the bus and the train....cannot bare to not be connected to "someone" all the time. When she gets home in the evening, she has the computor on to be connected to Facebook...phone for twitter and also she has the T.V on watching the soaps.

The reason she came to see me was because early this morning, she had her phone stolen and had a huge panic attack on Waterloo station..screaming and crying and totally out of controll. She was on her hands and knees throwing everything out of her bag and briefcase..all over the floor..trying to find her iphone... crying,screaming and having problems breathing. A policeman and railway staff eventually called an ambulance and took her to the hospital. All this because she had lost or had her phone stolen and couldn't contact anyone in " her world" and felt totally lost. The emergency staff treated her but she felt they were laughing at her all the time and couldnt take her seriously. Eventually she was sent home , but not before a nurse said to her, "I think you need to see a counsellor and or your doctor, you appear to have an addition to your phone and definitly need help".

Until this happened my client hadn't realised how she had become so attached to "being in constant with everyone all the time". She knew that if she misplaced her phone at home she had to find it to feel safe again but thought this was normal. Her friends tease her sometimes about her addition to "being in touch" with people but she never took it seriously until this morning!

I noticed the whole time she was talking to me, she was shaking and wrapping a tissue round and round in her fingers.

She had rung her doctors surgery and was given several private counsellor numbers....( not NHS as she felt she need to see some-one NOW and not have to wait to get an appointment in a few weeks time..sad but true.) She had only lost her phone for 5 hours and she was terrified how she was going to last until tomorrow when she could get a replacement.

Once my client had calmed down and drunk her tea, l helped her to start to see why she felt she had to be constently "connected" to people via phone/computor etc. In this particular case some of the reasons are because she feels if she doesn't know what her friends are doing..she may miss out on something they plan and dont include her. Of course it goes a lot deeper and will take a while to solve but if she wants to cure herself she can.

I think there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way. I know that some times when l forget my phone when l go shopping, l can feel two different feelings. One...l can suddenly feel very free and liberated by being out of contact from the "world". Two..sudden panic! What happens if someone in my family needs me because they are hurt or ill..what happens if a client new or old needs to contact me and l dont answer my phone... they will think l dont care or new client will be lost to me! Silly really when l have an answer phone but there it is....how could any one cope without me!Ha!

So if you are reading this...see if you can leave your phone at home or just start by turning your phone off for a few hours and...see how you feel.

sad!

Hi,
I was talking yesterday about children and discipline ect and in today's Daily Mail(yes l know..but l also read the guardian!) there is an article from a mum who talks about the same subject. This lady has ten years between her second baby and the third and talks about the very big differences in the way parents view all forms of childcare these days. The main comments were about the fact that the parents she meets now are "oh so careful" as to not upset their little darlings in case they damage them and in the future will need therapy. She comments that you have to explain everything to them and don't say "that is bad but that is not good ". when telling them off. She agrees that you need to explain to the child why they cant do some thing but be firm not all apologetic for telling them off in the first place.
This particular article l think, springs from the case concerning the lady who killed her disablied daughter and then committed suicide, after years of bullying from local children. Because of this case there is a lot of media coverage and articles about ferral children and lack of parental/school control. Also, the story has broken the police are NOW there protecting the "feral" childrens family from attacks and death threats. Weird world we live in. I must admit l do think a lot of the time the law seems to be on the side of the would be attacker rather than the intented victim. l am not anti police but l do think things are becoming very mixed up theses days. For instance a dinner lady being sacked because she had told the parents about the real things that had happened to her daughter in school, not the simple schools story. The father who is being prosecuted because he pulled of local youths by their arms, when they were beating up his disabled young son. The young man ( around 13) the other morning on the bus when asked by an elderly man on crutches, if he could have his seat, was told in no uncertain tones.." Bugger off old man, l paid for my seat". When told by me that actually his ride was free and he was actually siting in a seat designated for the elderly, he replied..." Fuck off..who is going to make me move?" He did actually move, aided by me but it did not start my day off well. I did report this incident to his school and they were very unhelpful and almost said that what did l expect them to do? I rest my case!
I know that there are children and families out there that are polite, kind and law abiding but the few that are not make us forget the rest.