It so happens, recently I had asked one of my client, if she felt ashamed that her marriage had failed? She looked quite surprised, was quiet for a while and then answered, "No, why should l feel ashamed, l feel quite proud that l have been able to leave a marraige that was not working and free myself". I then asked her, who she had told about her divorce and how did she tell it? After a lot of discussion, she finally realised, she was ashamed her marraige had failed but wanted people to know it was not her fault. She is constantly putting her ex down and always explaining to family, friends and even the newspaper agent, that she tried but it was his fault it failed, not hers.
I think that a person has to face their shame, deal with it and then you can move on. If you stay ashamed that your relationship failed for what ever reason, you will find it very hard to move on and have other relationships. Shame is part of a divorce, facing that shame and dealing with it, is important and needs to be bought out into the open between the couple and dealt with. Saying you have or have never had any shame, means that there are problems you have swept under the carpet and are not dealing with.
In times past, the external pressures came from the family, the church and the community. In certain communities this is still the case. Divorce means defective in many people's vocabulary. In many ethnic communities, divorce is seen as a failure, bringing shame on the family and often the parents will try and keep it a secret. In Muslim families, often the girl/woman will have no where to go because both families will treat her as an outcast.
In less than a century, marriages that ended in divorce have gone from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 3 ( Yeo and Lovell 2004) I think that the breakdown of marriages/partnerships are due to many factors.
Young people these days, seem to have a much higher expectations of what marraige should be like. I personally think the media has a lot to answer for.
The fact that people are living longer has a lot to do with it too. People cannot imagine being with the same person for 50 years or more!
There is a greater equality between men and woman and l think this has caused more friction between the sexes. "Men or men and woman want to be both".... l once heard from a very angry judge!!
Women are more independant and have the ability to earn their own money because they can work out side the home, if they want to or circumstances force them to have to. The fact that there is childcare more freely available to women is another factor.
Also the introduction in 1949 of the Legal Aid Act meant that poorer families had access to the law to enable them to think about divorce and for it to be within their grasp.
Lastly, l am back to shame again. I think there is less shame in getting divorced because of the decline of religious beliefs and family and friends are not so hostile and so therefore neither is society on the whole.
Is this a good thing? yes and no!
Yes because people who are in a violent or abusive relationship can get out and receive help without the stigma of a failed marraige hanging round their neck.
No because l personally think divorce is too easy and people don't try hard enough to try and work together to put the marraige back on track. I am not saying it is easy but from personal experience l am saying it can happen. You can fall back in love with your other half, if you both want to and are prepared to work at it. Try and remember why you married in the first place. Tony and l have had are ups and downs but we have been married 37 years and are still very much in love. It is worth fighting for l promise.
Not sure l have all the answers but l think l have some of them and that is enough to work on!
Night folksx
