Easter Eggs, Religion and my beliefs!

Happy Easter to you all. I am not a Religious person but do consider myself a Spiritual individual. One of the reasons l enjoy Easter, apart from the plain chocolate Easter eggs!.... is the way it can bring families together.

Tony and I had a very enjoyable day today, as our eldest child, Jennifer came over for Sunday Lunch. My other child Andrew and his new wife Gemma, are travelling in South America for 3 months. Jenny brought with her a Green and Black's plain chocolate egg and a three ( yes l said 3!) different Green and Black plain chocolate bars. Yummy... but not really the reason for Easter l hear some people saying. This doesn't upset me but l can image it concerning some religious people. I know a lot of people who send Easter cards and go to church at Easter and are not at all religious normally. I suppose it is like Christmas, suddenly people go to Midnight Mass never showing any religious feeling at any other time of the year. Are they backing their chances of going to heaven when they die or is it something deeper? I often ask people why and l am quite often surprised in the replies l get. I remember last year having asked a mixed group of slightly drunk mid twenty year olds, why they were at Midnight Mass? Some of their answers were, " It sort of gives me a familar feeling and makes me feel better and not so far from home"( African student).." it makes me feel l will be ok for the next year"...." It feels right" ...."Well, it is what my parents did every year and so l just do it out of habit l suppose, but l do enjoy it"..."It is something to do to get Christmas started isn't it"..." I love the ceremony and granduar of it all" and the last one.." Well it makes me feel l have marked my card for the year, incase something happens to me !". Quite a mixture of answers and l was also quite interested, that not one of them went to church on Sunday as a norm. I remember the vicar saying, that he wished his Sunday Services were a quarter as full as this,  on a normal Sunday! At this point l have to admit, l was there because l love the theatrical aspect of a High Church ceremony, especially the incense and the chanting! I don't feel guilty just enjoy the situation for what it is..high drama!
Christmas Day to me, when l was young was Church, presents, lunch, the Queen's speech, games and family. When l was a teenager, l taught Sunday School and sang in the choir but as l grew older, l found my own voice and realised l no longer believed in a God that sat in a chair in the sky and watched everything l did. After my Father-in-law died in his mid 50's, life seemed so cruel. I began to look at religion and started to see that all the wars and most of the problems in the world were one why or another to do with religion. Ok... that is a bit simplified and l am not that simple, that l believe it is that uncomplicated. But for example, at first glance..Northern Ireland is Catholic against Protestant, Iraq war is Muslims against the unbelievers, Jews against Arabs in Israel and so on. Yes there is a deeper reason in each of these situations but religion is in there no matter which why you cut the cake. Another thing that l find so wrong with the The Catholic faith, is its stand on the use of condoms, this simple command means people are dying because of Aids, woman are having too many babies and living in poverty, all  because of this command from their churchl! The Pope, can tell men and woman what they can and can't do in their persnonal lives..he is not married, shouldn't have sex and has no children. What can he tell  people about life, when he lives in such rich surrounding and has all his need catered for? You only have to look at most Cathelic churches, there is always gold, amazing cloth and so on and a large proporation of the people, that go to church are POOR. When l spent time  in Guatemala, l was so upset to see all this money, that had been spent in their beautiful, richly painted and ornate churches and be surrounded  by so much povety at the same time, makes no sense to me at all. you have little money and yet you give to your church! Madness in my mind!
Of course, as a Counsellor, my thoughts and believes do not come into my work. I am there to help people with their issues , l am not sayng it is always easy but l try very hard to keep them out of my proffesional life. I treat many people of all faiths and persuations and think l am fair and honest in my behaviour. I have met a few Counsellors/Therapists that only treat Christian couples and l respect that decision. A few of my clients are gay and l remember once being asked by a Cathalic friend of mine, how l could treat these people as their lives were so agasinst every that god teaches? We had, l am ashamed to say a very heated discussion and she never spoke to me again. Shame.
In my line of work, l am often asked how l deal people who self harm and am l not tempted just to tell them to stop seeking to be the centre of attention? I am glad when people ask this because it means l can start to educate them these issues. Self harming is not only about cutting, burning, biting and so on but  body issues such as anorexia. The general public seem so uneducated on these subjects even though there is so much out there in the Media and the Internet! I wish that more doctors could spot these children/teenager/adults with self-harming earlier and send them to Counsellors, instead of saying in the younger person, "Oh they will grow out of it" and believe me l still hear this from parents all the time. The other problem is there isn't enough NHS counsellors to cope with all these adults and even less to deal with childreen and teenagers.

Anyway.....after my rant, l still hope you all enjoy your chocolate eggs and have seen some of your family or friends this weekend!xx

Divorce, with and without children!

I don't know if anyone read my last two entries but l want to add something else to the discusstion. I have always thought that you have to work at marriage and if you do, you are less lightly to end your marriage in a divorce. A friend of mine, read my blog and said that no matter how hard you try to mend some marriages, they can't be mended. I do agree with this, but l also think that a lot of couples don't try hard enough and  that divorce is just too easy. I personally think that a lot of couples go into their marriage with no thoughts about what being married means. To a lot of couples l have spoken to lately, it is the wedding that is all important and they have given no real thought to what marriage means other than they will be Mr and Mrs....from now on!. I don't want people to stay together if there is violence or mental abuse but on all other matters l feel more thought is needed . Romantic as it sounds, often just asking a couple the question "why did you get married in the first place?" often pulls couples up abruptly and starts them thinking rather than arguing for a moment!

During the first year, most couples go through a few months of honeymoon bliss, then the reality sets in and then the real marriage starts. If before the marriage, no thought was given to joint bank accounts, nights out with the mates/girlfriends, who does what in the house exactly now they are married...trouble starts! This is when the blindfolds come off and you have to start to be grown up, even if you are over 30! You would be amazed at how many couples have thought that their life will go on as before, even when children start to arrive!
One couple l helped had been married round about 5 months and had already started to have problems. ( I have permission from the couple to talk about this) They both worked in the city, earning good money but under a great deal of stress from these high powered jobs and were in their early 30"s. She had thought that they would start to try for children soon but her husband had other ideas. She felt her clock ticking, he suddenly felt tied down by the thought of children. Big rows, periods of no speaking and lots of tears and shouting. We talked about what they both "thought" they wanted from this marriage? This appeared to be the first time they had really sat down to talk about any of thiese issues.  Not only had they not really come to any conclusion about children before their marriage, neither had they decided on childcare. For example, could they afford to have children and the wife stay at home? Do we have to put the baby into full time childcare or part-time care? Should we have an nanny instead? If the wife stayed home, could they afford the mortgage or would they have to downsize and so on. Eventually, after many sessions of joint therapy, lots of talking and tears, they solved their issues, moved to a smaller house,  eventually had twins and went on to have a very happy marriage. This sounds like a fairy tale story but believe me, it took a lot of hard work, compromise by both partners, a trial seperate of 2 weeks and then they realised they loved each other enough to fight to make it work.  They also admitted that it was not until week 9, that they realised that things were beginning to make sense. The couple also admitted that when they first came to me, they thought that l would help them to have a good divorce!
Sometimes, no matter how l try, some couples are so unprepared for marriage l can't help them. One partner decides that all the changes, should be done by the other partner. I am in my late 50's and in my generation, it was always expected, that women do all the housework, look after the children and sometimes go to work too. I hear gasps from people reading this but that was normal, l promise. gradually all this changed..thankfully...and l was lucky to have a reconstructed man!  Unfortunetly there are still men who expect "their " women to do most of the "stuff' associated with the house. Before marriage they do their own stuff or their mother but the instant they are married, they stop! Housework is one of the biggest problems in marriage today, if the people who come to see me, are anything to go by!
Once this problems starts to rear its ugly head, other problems start to become an issue too. The funny thing is though, once this "easy" problem is solved, often marriages go on to be great.
When it comes to couples with children, then that is a different story. Life becomes more complicated and often quite nasty. If one partner has decided that they no longer want to be married, there will be a lot of individuals that are going to be very hurt and sometimes scared for life. There are some "good" divorces but very few that have no problems. When children are involved, things become even more complicated, no matter how you try to make it easier. People who are going through a divorce, are in pain, are angry and so many more emotions, that some times children get lost in the confusion. It is very important that children are given their chance to talk and say how they feel and this means, in my books, children as young as 3! They need to understand it is not their fault and that their parents still love them.
One family (again l have this families permission to talk about this family)  l was seeing had 4 children ranging fro 8 months to 14 years of age. Each age needed handling differently. I always try to arrange to see the children by themselves, so they are free to talk about anything that is troubling them. This way they don't feel guilty about talking about their parents! Often children will think it is their fault their parents are breaking up and unless you help them deal with all their issues,  it  can effect their future relationships.
These children had been coping with all the arguements and physical fights that their parents were having for 3 years before they came to see me. The baby had been a last ditch effort to mend the marriage, never a good idea in most cases. There was a lot of hard work to do, to help these children firstly realise they were not to blame and neither was the new baby! They also need help to overcome the fear they had after seeing their mother being hurt by their father and the fact mum just let him. The eldest child was a boy and he had started to join in and try and stop his father. Anyway, eventually the divorce went through but the therapy will carry on for years for all of them, in one way or another. The point l want to make about this divorce is this. If this couple had come to therapy 3 years ago, there would be no new baby bought into an already deteriorating marrage, the children would have been helped and taught coping stratagies and have had someone to talk too. The last thing would be the wife, many not have had 2 broken arms, a twice broken nose, many broken ribs, so many bruises l could count them and lastly, her children would not have seen such violence at close quarters. O.K it isn't a perfect world but if more people thought about their children more often in these situations, l am positive their would be a lot less adults (those children) in therapy because of their childhood.

Divorce and hard work!

After writing the other day, on shame and divorce, what should l read in my paper the next day? Yes, you are right, divorce and shame and why we are having so many? One of the comments that really shocked me, was when they started talking about a phenomenon, being calling "The Starter Marraige". What you ask, is a starter marraige? Well apparently Peacher's Geldof, Jordon and Cheryl Cole have all had one..in other words, a short lived marraige! The phase implies a fundimentally dismissive attitude to marriage.  They consider marraige is not something that you go into for the whole of your life because people are living longer, is one excuse l heard the other day!!
A while ago l read somewhere, that a lot of young people marry because they are looking for security and stability. It appears that many of these " children " come from divorced parents and maybe they are trying to show that they can make their marraiges work! Unfortunetly a lot of these couples have an unrealistic expectations of what marraige is and what it takes to actually make it work. The media has a lot to answer for in this aspect l think!
Take Jordon for example, she announced her seperation from husband Peter Andre, then she was with her a new man within weeks, left him, then got engaged to him, married him and declared she wanted more babies soon...all within a year of her original divcorce! When people see celebrity couples marry and divorce, it doesn't seem to be a big problem. l heard someone say it seems realitivly easy, divorce is a right of passage and to this persons mind, it held no stigma!
Another thing that worries me, is that these young people don't seem to take time to mourn their loss before they move on to pastures green. Sometime in the future, all this will come back to bite them, if they don't sort out their feelings before moving on!
l personally think that one of the problems maybe, that women have been told "They can have it all".  Scenario No.1......They get married, work, have children and maybe become "stay home mums" to look after the babiies, by choice. They start to feel they have lost their identity and their friends, who are still working, our rising in their companies, having fun and these woman feel they have been left behind. 
Scenario No.2...... The woman who works, has babies and then goes back to work. Maybe by choice maybe because she has to because they cannot manage without her money. This woman has to cope with housework, children, work and being a mum and a wife! "They can have it all" stikes again!
There is still alot to be learnt about marraige and l think that unless we start talking to our young generation, about how hard marraige can be is in all honesty, we will keep on having marraiges that last only a few months to a year.  Marraige is not a fairy tale, like Jordon's wedding day was, it is a combination of love, trust, talking, fun, hard work and give and take! Yes it can be hard work but anything that is worth having, is worth working for!..or so my grandmother used to tell me. My grandparents were married for over 60 years, my parents are coming up to 60 and l have been married over 37 years. None of us have had heart-ache free marraiges but you work through it, pick yourself up and try again. Always try and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place! And take it from one who knows...you can fall back in love with your husband/wife, if you really want to save your marraige and carry on being a couplex