Christmas Ramblings

                                                                CHRISTMAS...


Everyone is stressed at christmas, some more than others but it effects us all. It means we have to find extra time to do things like arrange parties, buy presents, buy and send cards, buy more food , go and buy the tree and then decorate it and so on. You may have children which means, parties, presents, maybe making or buying costumes for the school play/plays and it just seems never ending. if you have more than one child, double or treble the amount of time you spend doing these things. Then there are the plans for Christmas day itself..food, booze and relatives do not mix! Any other time maybe but at Christmas..never!
Have you noticed in all of this l never mentioned Jesus or religion? That is what this festive time was meant to be about! I am not religious but l am spiritual and l sometimes think that we have missed the point. How many of you go to Church/Midnight Mass just at Christmas? As my children are now in their 30s we tend to treat Christmas as a time for families to get together and reinforce the family ties and traditions.
I suppose what l am trying to say is celebrate Christmas which ever way you want but work out a way to leave most of the "media made" stress out of it. By that l mean think about what you buy your family and friends. It is worth spending quality time on really thinking what they are like and what they would really want. So much "stuff" is sent to the tip or charity shop after Christmas because we bought without really thinking. I would much rather someone gave me a present which meant l had given to Charity then receive yet another bottle of bath salts or smelly soap. I think we have lost the meaning of present giving. Everything is done so fast that l think we waste a lot of money on junk just because it is Christmas!
I am not being an old misery really just think it is time we changed our thoughts concerning Christmas. Most people l talk to dread Christmas, spend money they cant afford and are more tired when they go back to work than before Christmas. I know it is a while ago but when my children were little we had amazing Christmas's. We had very little money and so we made everything from the wrapping paper, the presents and the cards. To this day my children talk about it with smiles on their faces and tell everyone what fun it was. We also made the day TV free apart from the Queen's speech. I know that children now are more TV minded but surely one day with no TV or computors wouldn't kill them?
Mums have a really hard time especially at this time of year because of all the extra things you have to make and /or organise. I think the word here is delegate! Divide the jobs between you and your husband, give the children jobs to do, no matter how young they are. Be prepared for everything before hand. Word of warning.....never start drinking, if you can help it before lunch. Christmas dinner and booze plus mother or mother-in-laws do not work. There is always going to be tension with other people in the house, especially if you don't get on well normally. Christmas is a time many couples split up because all the years tension seems to be released on Christmas Day!
Christmas should be about peace and thinking about others but some how it rarely ends up like that. To me if you have to worry about anything, first make sure the children are ok and keep the quarrels away from them. Not easy l know but children do take everything in, no matter how little they are and Christmas should be fun for them not a battle field they have to walk through.
So many families l see who are divorced or seperated have an issue over who the children spend Christmas with, how long they stay and who has them for Boxing Day and so on. It is SO important that the children feel safe and loved even more than usually. For the sake of the children, these things should be sorted out way before Christmas, so the children know where they will be and for how long and then they can enjoy themselves. Try not to make the children make the decisions until they are teenagers. Listen to them but make sure there is no pressure being applied by either parent. Even teenagers sometimes don't know what they want and are afraid of parents thinking they are taking sides. So help them by talking to them and not at them about how they feel about Christmas and what is happening.
One last thing. ENJOY. No matter what happens once Christmas Day is here..you can't change it...so find a way round it or through it and carry on. There is always next year!

                                                  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

xxxxxxlynda

To go to Relate or not?

There has been a lot of talk in the papers lately about the damage some Relate counsellors have been seen to do to couple who come for help. One person wrote that their Relate Counsellor seemed to take sides and caused more problems to their already crumbling marriage. Another said their counsellor just seemed so pessimistic, that they both ended up wishing they hadn't come, because now they couldn't see anyway to make things better.  I must admit that l have heard a lot more unhappy stories about Relate than good ones. Personally l think people don't go to Relate early enough, they should go well before they have decided they need to seperate. To get help that actually works, l think you need to still be able to talk and listen to each other and be open to advise and suggestions. People often go to relate to help them sort out how to deal with the children and dividing up the home, rather than how to make the situation better, so divorce doesn't happen.
The Relate people are offering a good service and are genuinely there to help couples and families. Another problem could be, that these days, in a lot of places there are waiting lists because so many people require their services. This doesn't help as you can imagine. When you are in trouble and distressed, you need instant help and being told there is say a 10 week wait, can be very upsetting. You have made a big decision and then you have to wait. By 10 weeks your marraige could be beyond repair.
I am not saying seeing a Counsellor is any better but often we are able to see the wider story which involves the whole family. In my case, as well as a counsellor (also trainned in Marraige Guidance), l am also a qualified Nursery Nurse. This means, l am also very aware of the children's feelings where divorce or sepersation occurs. Also using Art, drama and or play therapy with the parents and the children often works better than just talking. Depending how far the problems have progressed, talking sometimes just isnt enough. Especially with children, when most of them feel they must have done something to have made all this happen in the first place... which we all know is certainly not the case.
I also feel, even if the parents have sessions with a Relate or other form of Marraige Counsellor, the children and the family may also need help from a counsellor to deal with the family as a whole.
When l got married in 1972, the thought of divorce never entered our heads, recently the couples l know in and out of therapy, talk about divorce and how long they think they may stay together as a matter of course. To me this is the wrong way round to think of marraige. i think that couples need to talk more before they move in together or marry. For instance one couple l met the other day, are about to be married in  5 months time. I asked them five simple questions.
1. Do or are you going to have a joint bank account?
2. Who is going to do the bills?
3.When  and if do you want children?
4. Who is going to do the housework?
5. Is your wife going to carry on working if you have children or will you share?
They had not thought of any of this before l asked. It caused a huge row...they are coming to see me again next week!!!! They were just thinking about being together, none of the things that mean you can be together happily!

Thoughts..Making a thoughts book/chart

Today l worked with one of my young client on  a "Good and Worrying Thoughts" book. She will be keeping her chart everyday for a week, so we can start to see if or how her thoughts are controlling her everyday life. Using art to help to work out these problems, is a lot easier for children to deal with. No real pressure to talk but tells me all l need to know to start conversations off at a later date. It is fun to do and you often find the children talk to you about all sorts of things while they make their chrts and books.

Bullying

Hi. I was reading the paper today and decided that someone reads my blogs and then uses it to write a newspaper article. Three times now subjects l have just covered, appear next day in the paper. Um... should l feel flattered or should l be angry, get off my backside and send these articles into a paper myself? Maybe l should add an another arrow to my bow and become a journalist!!!Thinks!
Anyway down to buisness. A few weeks ago, l met a woman, who's son is being bullied at school and is not getting any help. The primary school seems to be more concerned with apperances than the child's well being. This little boy, who is 8 is being bullied by 3 older boys and a girl...yes, l said a girl. Over the last few years, l seem to be dealing with girls more often. I have also come to the conclusion that girls can often be worse than boys. I do wonder what we have done to our children that some girls seem to have become so violent?
This little boy has done nothing wrong, doesn't seem to have an appearance that would make you understand why he has been chosen but he is bullied never the less. He has been at the school since he was 4 with these children and there has never been any trouble before. It just seems to have come from no where.
He has been punched, pinched, kicked, been spat at, his bag thrown over a high wall, his books ripped up and his hair pulled out. When the school were first told, the teacher said it was just the children playing a little rough. Then after the third time, the mum asked to see the Headmaster. It got a reaction but not one she had expected. The three children involve were questioned and said it was all a joke and they didnt mean to hurt him. They were told off and had to say "sorry" to the boy!
After this the mum decided to try and talk to the childrens parents. She tried and was told that they would report her to the police for harassment, if they didn't stop talking to the school and their children. This story is still on going. I have found out since, that the 3 bullies have told friends the reason why they bully this little boy. Apparently they think he is a goody goody and needs to be put in his place..this is roughly what they said! If they are like this at 10....what will they be like as teenagers?
It is or was Anti-Bulling week this week. There were many talks on the radio, T.V and workshops in schools. I am hoping this will get through to the people in charge and they will start to put "Anti-Bullying" Procedures into pratice. Fingers crossed. Perhaps if teavhers were given some control back in schools, they would be able to deal with bullies better.
The other phone calls to my consulting rooms, that have increased a lot lately, concern Work Place Bulling and Internet Bullying. Once again there sees to be quite a few cases on TV and Radio about both these types of Bullying. One of the things that actually worries me is the Bullying that goes on, on for example, Bebo and Facebook. Not knowing who is bullying you can be so hard to cope with. Also if a person is talked about within a small group, like a school group, is one thing...the world is a HUGE difference!
One case l was dealing with recently, was a 13 year old girl, who wouldn't have sex with her 14 year old boyfriend. In spite, he wrote about her on his facebook site, including a photo of her face super-imposed onto a nude. He said she had given him good head and certainly was not a virgin and all sorts of other unsavory things. This went to all his friends and to their friends and so on....thousands of people saw it before it was taken off. This poor girl tried to kill herself and has completly changed. Her parents are in the middle of moving because she has been totally traumatised and wont leave the house. It is going to take a long time for this child and her family to recover... if ever. The boy has been "told off" but in the eyes of his friends..he is a cool dude!
On the other subject, work place bullying is getting worse. It covers women who are being sexually abused by workmates or their boss. They are too frightened of losing their jobs to tell any one. There are older women who feel that they are for ever being treated unfairly because the boss wants to replace them with younger women. One parent adults, feel they have to work every hour they are told because they cannot loose their jobs. Then there are the men and woman who are being bullied because they are too fat, ugly, dressed funnily  or they just don't fit in. There is also the sexual abuse suffered by both men and women. Why are people so angry these days and nasty to each other? There is so much stress in the work place and the world. I spend most of my working day, trying to help people learn how to relax and have less stress......l am very busy!
I could go on like this for hours...but l had better stop before l bore you all. Any way..Peace to you all and goodnight folksxlynda

After such an upsetting blog..here are some flowers to make you smile againx

BODY ISSUES AND OUR CHILDREN!

I read the papers every day, partly because l have a need to know what is going on in my world but also to keep up to-date with the counselling world. The big issue that is worrying me lately is how girls and boys seem to be are worrying about their weight  constently. l have been trying to turn childrens minds around from always thinking about diets to...just healthy eating. I have very slim young girls of 11 who are becoming scared to eat because then they will become fat and they will loose all their friends. L could cry sometimes when l see the frightened expressions on their faces when they tell me they are frightened of food because it will make them fat.
What has happened to our children? They are no longer allowed to grow up slowly and enjoy their childhood.. My children, a boy and a girl are in their early thirties and when they were young, you often heard the words "puppy fat" mentioned. For those of you who do not know the meaning of these words l will explain. Around the age of l suppose 8 to about 12 years of age, society expected children to put on a little weight. We called it "puppy fat" and it usually meant you were about to have a growth spurt in height. Also because children had loads of games at schoola and played outside more..it soon went in most children. We...as parents...kept a close eye on our children but never really made a fuss of it because it was known as a "phase" children went through. Admittdly some children kept eating all the wrong things and the "puppy fat" sort of stayed put!!
These days everyone,well most people, have scales in their houses and to my amazement seem to use them more than once a week. l have been asking loads of people about their weighing habits and am surprised to find that over 50% of these(l asked 60 people..men and women) use their scales at least 3 to 4 times a week! I was always taught that if you have to weigh yourself, do it once a week at the same time.  I was finding people that weight themselves everyday and some twice! When did we become so weight conscious?  I suppose, with all the TV and radio and mags coverage of what we look like..l shouldnt be surprised. I counted on the TV last night 12 programmes to do with what we look like clothed and naked, what we eat and fashion items on the size 0 debate! I want to say "Get A Life" but l realise that this is a very serious topic and we really need to change the way we deal with it. When a 4 year old asked me last week, "Lynda do l look nice it this, does it make my bottom look big?" and she was not joking..l decided l had a huge battle on my hands! O.K she has more than likely heard her mum say it but the fact that her mum tells me they talk about it endlessly round the dinner table as a serious topic....l really am worried. What ever happened to what we did at school today or l need a new pencilor art or penny has a new sister or l hate billy because he pulled my pigtails? Safe, simple childlike questions or even where do babies come from mummy BUT..does my bottom look big in this or if l eat that sandwich mummy l will get too fat..when you are 3 or 4 years old!!
Honestly l am not an old fashioned woman, l love challenging questions from children but ones that are so serious about their weight and the fear that goes with it..frighten me about what we are doing to our children. When an 8 year old female client of mine, who has started to worry about getting fat, was asked to describe how she saw a size 10 model in a magazine to me. Proceeded to tell me the woman was too fat because you couldn't see her bones very well...l reaslised we have a long way to go to re-educate our children on what is an exceptable body image.
Body Issues is a very difficult subject but one l think we really need to sort out in our minds. I have to admit l was quite happy with my body until after having my children..the dreaded tummy problem! I have also always had a large bust and have had problems learning to live with it. Do you know how at the age of 45 l learnt to deal better with my large bust? so silly but so simple. I was always told l was a 48c!!no comments please!! then one day my husband took me for a proper bra fitting.WELL..my world changed in 3 mins, l kid you not! l am apprently a 34GG (small back..large cup!) and suddenly l felt SO much smaller and thinner. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing!Ha!
I do understand how people have problems with their size, when l was ill and put on steroids l went up to a size 20!!! from a size 12, in 3 months. l eventually managed to get down to a size 14/16 but it took me at least 5 years to except l was smaller and could try on smaller cloths. Now at the age of 56..well for a further 4 days and a bit..l finally " fit my skin".
"FAT SCREWS WITH YOUR BRAIN"...... saw this slogen written in red paint on a wall in London...so true!
Below is a photograph my husband took earlier this year.A few years ago l would never have let my image be taken! A little like the tribes that think if you take their picture..you take their soul. Admitterdly l wasn't that bad but l felt l was not fit to be seen and was very uncomfotable looking at my own image. Now l know l am no raving beauty and certainly not a size 0 but l am proud of myself these days..and thats a plus!

a saying.......

"Creative people are curious, flexible, persistent and independent with a tremendous spirit of adventure and a love of play." - Henri Matisse (1869-1954)

give children space and time to be themselves!

today l saw a mum yell at her two and a half year oldish little girl because she wouldn't sit still in the coffee shop. OK l hear you say ..children should behave themselves when out.I agree but when you have been in the coffee shop for at least an hour... is it still fair to expect her to sit there quietly while mum talks to her friend and has her coffee? I think not! Children get bored and the best place for them is playing at home or outside. OK if you want to see your friends meet at home, in the park or some where they can play. Children need to be noisy sometimes, run and play..coffee houses are NOT the place for children unless it is for say 20 minutes or so!

Parents and nannies may think l am being unfair but it really is not fair to expect children and toddlers to be quiet in a "grown up" area! Our children are not accessories ...they deserve to have proper play times, time to children and be free!

I don't suppose many, if anyone will read these articles but l feel l have to write them..just in case someone reads them and it helps...then it would all be worth it!

Today l met a lady who is addicted to Facebook and twitter and didnt realise she was until something dramatic happened this morning. She can not bear to not know what is going on with her friends and her contacts. She goes on to her computor for 2 hours before she goes to work at 8.30...she is on her i phone on the bus and the train....cannot bare to not be connected to "someone" all the time. When she gets home in the evening, she has the computor on to be connected to Facebook...phone for twitter and also she has the T.V on watching the soaps.

The reason she came to see me was because early this morning, she had her phone stolen and had a huge panic attack on Waterloo station..screaming and crying and totally out of controll. She was on her hands and knees throwing everything out of her bag and briefcase..all over the floor..trying to find her iphone... crying,screaming and having problems breathing. A policeman and railway staff eventually called an ambulance and took her to the hospital. All this because she had lost or had her phone stolen and couldn't contact anyone in " her world" and felt totally lost. The emergency staff treated her but she felt they were laughing at her all the time and couldnt take her seriously. Eventually she was sent home , but not before a nurse said to her, "I think you need to see a counsellor and or your doctor, you appear to have an addition to your phone and definitly need help".

Until this happened my client hadn't realised how she had become so attached to "being in constant with everyone all the time". She knew that if she misplaced her phone at home she had to find it to feel safe again but thought this was normal. Her friends tease her sometimes about her addition to "being in touch" with people but she never took it seriously until this morning!

I noticed the whole time she was talking to me, she was shaking and wrapping a tissue round and round in her fingers.

She had rung her doctors surgery and was given several private counsellor numbers....( not NHS as she felt she need to see some-one NOW and not have to wait to get an appointment in a few weeks time..sad but true.) She had only lost her phone for 5 hours and she was terrified how she was going to last until tomorrow when she could get a replacement.

Once my client had calmed down and drunk her tea, l helped her to start to see why she felt she had to be constently "connected" to people via phone/computor etc. In this particular case some of the reasons are because she feels if she doesn't know what her friends are doing..she may miss out on something they plan and dont include her. Of course it goes a lot deeper and will take a while to solve but if she wants to cure herself she can.

I think there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way. I know that some times when l forget my phone when l go shopping, l can feel two different feelings. One...l can suddenly feel very free and liberated by being out of contact from the "world". Two..sudden panic! What happens if someone in my family needs me because they are hurt or ill..what happens if a client new or old needs to contact me and l dont answer my phone... they will think l dont care or new client will be lost to me! Silly really when l have an answer phone but there it is....how could any one cope without me!Ha!

So if you are reading this...see if you can leave your phone at home or just start by turning your phone off for a few hours and...see how you feel.

sad!

Hi,
I was talking yesterday about children and discipline ect and in today's Daily Mail(yes l know..but l also read the guardian!) there is an article from a mum who talks about the same subject. This lady has ten years between her second baby and the third and talks about the very big differences in the way parents view all forms of childcare these days. The main comments were about the fact that the parents she meets now are "oh so careful" as to not upset their little darlings in case they damage them and in the future will need therapy. She comments that you have to explain everything to them and don't say "that is bad but that is not good ". when telling them off. She agrees that you need to explain to the child why they cant do some thing but be firm not all apologetic for telling them off in the first place.
This particular article l think, springs from the case concerning the lady who killed her disablied daughter and then committed suicide, after years of bullying from local children. Because of this case there is a lot of media coverage and articles about ferral children and lack of parental/school control. Also, the story has broken the police are NOW there protecting the "feral" childrens family from attacks and death threats. Weird world we live in. I must admit l do think a lot of the time the law seems to be on the side of the would be attacker rather than the intented victim. l am not anti police but l do think things are becoming very mixed up theses days. For instance a dinner lady being sacked because she had told the parents about the real things that had happened to her daughter in school, not the simple schools story. The father who is being prosecuted because he pulled of local youths by their arms, when they were beating up his disabled young son. The young man ( around 13) the other morning on the bus when asked by an elderly man on crutches, if he could have his seat, was told in no uncertain tones.." Bugger off old man, l paid for my seat". When told by me that actually his ride was free and he was actually siting in a seat designated for the elderly, he replied..." Fuck off..who is going to make me move?" He did actually move, aided by me but it did not start my day off well. I did report this incident to his school and they were very unhelpful and almost said that what did l expect them to do? I rest my case!
I know that there are children and families out there that are polite, kind and law abiding but the few that are not make us forget the rest.

Good evening to anyone reading this.
I listened to a radio 4 programme this morning and the first session was about the trouble teachers are having in school with disciple. One teacher said when she was at school in the 70's , if she was told by her teacher that her parents were being called in because of her bad behaviour...she shook in her shoes. These days if she tells a pupil off the child will reply, "ll set my mum on you".! Were did it all go wrong?... is a question l ask myself quite a lot lately. Not all children are rude or disrespectful to adults or other children but too many are.
I am not blaming parents solely...but...so many families these days have no rules, no guide lines and most important in my book...never sit down to eat together at least once a week. Sitting round a table eating with be the time children tell you about their day or news about them or their friends. It is a very special bonding time. After school tea- time is just as good for talking as is the evening meal. I do understand that a lot of parents work and so this isn't always possible. But one meal a week getting together to eat and chat is better than nothing, l promise you. Srart as young as possible and it will remain with the family for years to come. My family still loving coming home to have say..a Sunday Lunch together..special times.
Another problem l am consistently coming across in my practice , is the need for some parents to try desperately to become their child's/childrens best friend. This seems to make them reluctant to tell the child/children off ... just in case the child dislike them. By all means be friends but remember who is the adult and who is the child. Children need to know where the lines are. Even now, at 33 my son knows when he is about to cross a line and with smile and back off.
Never be frightened to tell your child off but it is best to try not to shout at them, stand in their space or if possible never to strike them. Remember ...always to explain to them what they have done wrong and what you are going to do about it. One very important rule to remember is...what was wrong today is wrong tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. Stick to your guns and that way children start to understand what the rules are. How can you expect children to know what is right or wrong in the way they behave if you change the rules all the time. Yes l know. It is hard to keep telling children off for the same thing day after day but it will work..l promise.
Start when they are young and it gets easier as they get bigger..and then there are the teenage years..well that's another topic for another day!
Good night.

shame on me!

Oh dear..l have discovered that l am one of those people who always starts of the year with good intentions and a few New Year Promises..and then ...RARELY keep them. L am so ashamed of myself. Here it is 16th September 2009 and l have not done one write- up on this blog! My only excuse is that my therapy business has taken off, my art is coming on well and l have had my son's wedding this which l was very involved in! sorry!!
l have decided that perhaps if l record a video every so often it will be easier than sitting and writing what l think. As people who know me..l dont find talking very hard!!!! so if l can work the video upload ..l will start tomorrow! fingers crossed!

Happy New Year for 2009!
From now on, this counselling site will be updated each week. l hope to cover issues that have appeared in the press, tv or l have heard on the radio...in fact anything that interests me, made me laugh, become angry, or sad; or an article that has made me think. But basically every thing to do with children, women and families.
2009 is going to be a very difficult but interesting year l feel. So anything l can do to make peoples lives easier..l will try and do!
Please feel free to add any comments to this blog or email me at elemaitch@yahoo.co.uk.