Christmas Ramblings

                                                                CHRISTMAS...


Everyone is stressed at christmas, some more than others but it effects us all. It means we have to find extra time to do things like arrange parties, buy presents, buy and send cards, buy more food , go and buy the tree and then decorate it and so on. You may have children which means, parties, presents, maybe making or buying costumes for the school play/plays and it just seems never ending. if you have more than one child, double or treble the amount of time you spend doing these things. Then there are the plans for Christmas day itself..food, booze and relatives do not mix! Any other time maybe but at Christmas..never!
Have you noticed in all of this l never mentioned Jesus or religion? That is what this festive time was meant to be about! I am not religious but l am spiritual and l sometimes think that we have missed the point. How many of you go to Church/Midnight Mass just at Christmas? As my children are now in their 30s we tend to treat Christmas as a time for families to get together and reinforce the family ties and traditions.
I suppose what l am trying to say is celebrate Christmas which ever way you want but work out a way to leave most of the "media made" stress out of it. By that l mean think about what you buy your family and friends. It is worth spending quality time on really thinking what they are like and what they would really want. So much "stuff" is sent to the tip or charity shop after Christmas because we bought without really thinking. I would much rather someone gave me a present which meant l had given to Charity then receive yet another bottle of bath salts or smelly soap. I think we have lost the meaning of present giving. Everything is done so fast that l think we waste a lot of money on junk just because it is Christmas!
I am not being an old misery really just think it is time we changed our thoughts concerning Christmas. Most people l talk to dread Christmas, spend money they cant afford and are more tired when they go back to work than before Christmas. I know it is a while ago but when my children were little we had amazing Christmas's. We had very little money and so we made everything from the wrapping paper, the presents and the cards. To this day my children talk about it with smiles on their faces and tell everyone what fun it was. We also made the day TV free apart from the Queen's speech. I know that children now are more TV minded but surely one day with no TV or computors wouldn't kill them?
Mums have a really hard time especially at this time of year because of all the extra things you have to make and /or organise. I think the word here is delegate! Divide the jobs between you and your husband, give the children jobs to do, no matter how young they are. Be prepared for everything before hand. Word of warning.....never start drinking, if you can help it before lunch. Christmas dinner and booze plus mother or mother-in-laws do not work. There is always going to be tension with other people in the house, especially if you don't get on well normally. Christmas is a time many couples split up because all the years tension seems to be released on Christmas Day!
Christmas should be about peace and thinking about others but some how it rarely ends up like that. To me if you have to worry about anything, first make sure the children are ok and keep the quarrels away from them. Not easy l know but children do take everything in, no matter how little they are and Christmas should be fun for them not a battle field they have to walk through.
So many families l see who are divorced or seperated have an issue over who the children spend Christmas with, how long they stay and who has them for Boxing Day and so on. It is SO important that the children feel safe and loved even more than usually. For the sake of the children, these things should be sorted out way before Christmas, so the children know where they will be and for how long and then they can enjoy themselves. Try not to make the children make the decisions until they are teenagers. Listen to them but make sure there is no pressure being applied by either parent. Even teenagers sometimes don't know what they want and are afraid of parents thinking they are taking sides. So help them by talking to them and not at them about how they feel about Christmas and what is happening.
One last thing. ENJOY. No matter what happens once Christmas Day is here..you can't change it...so find a way round it or through it and carry on. There is always next year!

                                                  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

xxxxxxlynda

To go to Relate or not?

There has been a lot of talk in the papers lately about the damage some Relate counsellors have been seen to do to couple who come for help. One person wrote that their Relate Counsellor seemed to take sides and caused more problems to their already crumbling marriage. Another said their counsellor just seemed so pessimistic, that they both ended up wishing they hadn't come, because now they couldn't see anyway to make things better.  I must admit that l have heard a lot more unhappy stories about Relate than good ones. Personally l think people don't go to Relate early enough, they should go well before they have decided they need to seperate. To get help that actually works, l think you need to still be able to talk and listen to each other and be open to advise and suggestions. People often go to relate to help them sort out how to deal with the children and dividing up the home, rather than how to make the situation better, so divorce doesn't happen.
The Relate people are offering a good service and are genuinely there to help couples and families. Another problem could be, that these days, in a lot of places there are waiting lists because so many people require their services. This doesn't help as you can imagine. When you are in trouble and distressed, you need instant help and being told there is say a 10 week wait, can be very upsetting. You have made a big decision and then you have to wait. By 10 weeks your marraige could be beyond repair.
I am not saying seeing a Counsellor is any better but often we are able to see the wider story which involves the whole family. In my case, as well as a counsellor (also trainned in Marraige Guidance), l am also a qualified Nursery Nurse. This means, l am also very aware of the children's feelings where divorce or sepersation occurs. Also using Art, drama and or play therapy with the parents and the children often works better than just talking. Depending how far the problems have progressed, talking sometimes just isnt enough. Especially with children, when most of them feel they must have done something to have made all this happen in the first place... which we all know is certainly not the case.
I also feel, even if the parents have sessions with a Relate or other form of Marraige Counsellor, the children and the family may also need help from a counsellor to deal with the family as a whole.
When l got married in 1972, the thought of divorce never entered our heads, recently the couples l know in and out of therapy, talk about divorce and how long they think they may stay together as a matter of course. To me this is the wrong way round to think of marraige. i think that couples need to talk more before they move in together or marry. For instance one couple l met the other day, are about to be married in  5 months time. I asked them five simple questions.
1. Do or are you going to have a joint bank account?
2. Who is going to do the bills?
3.When  and if do you want children?
4. Who is going to do the housework?
5. Is your wife going to carry on working if you have children or will you share?
They had not thought of any of this before l asked. It caused a huge row...they are coming to see me again next week!!!! They were just thinking about being together, none of the things that mean you can be together happily!

Thoughts..Making a thoughts book/chart

Today l worked with one of my young client on  a "Good and Worrying Thoughts" book. She will be keeping her chart everyday for a week, so we can start to see if or how her thoughts are controlling her everyday life. Using art to help to work out these problems, is a lot easier for children to deal with. No real pressure to talk but tells me all l need to know to start conversations off at a later date. It is fun to do and you often find the children talk to you about all sorts of things while they make their chrts and books.