During the first year, most couples go through a few months of honeymoon bliss, then the reality sets in and then the real marriage starts. If before the marriage, no thought was given to joint bank accounts, nights out with the mates/girlfriends, who does what in the house exactly now they are married...trouble starts! This is when the blindfolds come off and you have to start to be grown up, even if you are over 30! You would be amazed at how many couples have thought that their life will go on as before, even when children start to arrive!
One couple l helped had been married round about 5 months and had already started to have problems. ( I have permission from the couple to talk about this) They both worked in the city, earning good money but under a great deal of stress from these high powered jobs and were in their early 30"s. She had thought that they would start to try for children soon but her husband had other ideas. She felt her clock ticking, he suddenly felt tied down by the thought of children. Big rows, periods of no speaking and lots of tears and shouting. We talked about what they both "thought" they wanted from this marriage? This appeared to be the first time they had really sat down to talk about any of thiese issues. Not only had they not really come to any conclusion about children before their marriage, neither had they decided on childcare. For example, could they afford to have children and the wife stay at home? Do we have to put the baby into full time childcare or part-time care? Should we have an nanny instead? If the wife stayed home, could they afford the mortgage or would they have to downsize and so on. Eventually, after many sessions of joint therapy, lots of talking and tears, they solved their issues, moved to a smaller house, eventually had twins and went on to have a very happy marriage. This sounds like a fairy tale story but believe me, it took a lot of hard work, compromise by both partners, a trial seperate of 2 weeks and then they realised they loved each other enough to fight to make it work. They also admitted that it was not until week 9, that they realised that things were beginning to make sense. The couple also admitted that when they first came to me, they thought that l would help them to have a good divorce!
Sometimes, no matter how l try, some couples are so unprepared for marriage l can't help them. One partner decides that all the changes, should be done by the other partner. I am in my late 50's and in my generation, it was always expected, that women do all the housework, look after the children and sometimes go to work too. I hear gasps from people reading this but that was normal, l promise. gradually all this changed..thankfully...and l was lucky to have a reconstructed man! Unfortunetly there are still men who expect "their " women to do most of the "stuff' associated with the house. Before marriage they do their own stuff or their mother but the instant they are married, they stop! Housework is one of the biggest problems in marriage today, if the people who come to see me, are anything to go by!
Once this problems starts to rear its ugly head, other problems start to become an issue too. The funny thing is though, once this "easy" problem is solved, often marriages go on to be great.
When it comes to couples with children, then that is a different story. Life becomes more complicated and often quite nasty. If one partner has decided that they no longer want to be married, there will be a lot of individuals that are going to be very hurt and sometimes scared for life. There are some "good" divorces but very few that have no problems. When children are involved, things become even more complicated, no matter how you try to make it easier. People who are going through a divorce, are in pain, are angry and so many more emotions, that some times children get lost in the confusion. It is very important that children are given their chance to talk and say how they feel and this means, in my books, children as young as 3! They need to understand it is not their fault and that their parents still love them.
One family (again l have this families permission to talk about this family) l was seeing had 4 children ranging fro 8 months to 14 years of age. Each age needed handling differently. I always try to arrange to see the children by themselves, so they are free to talk about anything that is troubling them. This way they don't feel guilty about talking about their parents! Often children will think it is their fault their parents are breaking up and unless you help them deal with all their issues, it can effect their future relationships.
These children had been coping with all the arguements and physical fights that their parents were having for 3 years before they came to see me. The baby had been a last ditch effort to mend the marriage, never a good idea in most cases. There was a lot of hard work to do, to help these children firstly realise they were not to blame and neither was the new baby! They also need help to overcome the fear they had after seeing their mother being hurt by their father and the fact mum just let him. The eldest child was a boy and he had started to join in and try and stop his father. Anyway, eventually the divorce went through but the therapy will carry on for years for all of them, in one way or another. The point l want to make about this divorce is this. If this couple had come to therapy 3 years ago, there would be no new baby bought into an already deteriorating marrage, the children would have been helped and taught coping stratagies and have had someone to talk too. The last thing would be the wife, many not have had 2 broken arms, a twice broken nose, many broken ribs, so many bruises l could count them and lastly, her children would not have seen such violence at close quarters. O.K it isn't a perfect world but if more people thought about their children more often in these situations, l am positive their would be a lot less adults (those children) in therapy because of their childhood.
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